I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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