So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
