Only a mothe r could love this liver
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
