Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
