Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
