I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
