I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
