The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
