What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
