I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
