i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
