I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
