I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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