don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
