Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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