i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
