There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
