Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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