Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
