Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
