i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
And then he peed in my hair
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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