why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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