she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
