I swear god or herbie drove my car home
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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