You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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