i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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