I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
