I wish I could teleport
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
