On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
