On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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