I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
