I wish I only lived at night.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
