so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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