my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
