I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
