apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
