Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
