Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
