Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
