if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
