why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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