yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize