I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The air was thick with penises
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
