You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
