Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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