I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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