yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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