watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
