i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
