saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
