My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
