So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
