I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She tied me up with her honor cords...
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
