apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Randomize
