I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
