i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
