The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
