singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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