I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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