now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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