I could make wine with my vomit
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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