Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
