so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
