Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
