I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
