I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
